Almost a year has passed since the break up and until now I have silently bore the pain, anguish, anger, hatred, and betrayal that has been buried deep inside me. No longer can I do this. Without acknowledging it I can never fully heal from the immense pain that was caused to me.

Looking back now, meeting him was the one of the biggest regrets of my life. I should have known from the start how it would end, and what would happen. Up until that point I took pride in being able to distance myself from bastards like him. But for some reason, at that time in my life I let down my guard and what was just supposed to be for fun turned out to be an experience far from it. I gave up my friends, my identity, the things that made me happy all because he encouraged me to do so. He wanted me close yet he will claim it was my doing. He made me guilty if I wanted anything or anyone but him. Now once again I have given up everything and everyone again so that I could tell my story. To ease my pain and to heal myself.

I should have never answered that email. I should have never spoke to him on ICQ and most of all… I should have never set eyes on him. What conspired were a series of events destined to happen but I was blind to it all. I ignored the voices in my head, I ignored the warnings given to me. I just jumped into the fire and got burned.

It all started in January 2002, while browsing through some pictures I came across his. At first I thought him a bit odd but the more I looked the more I wondered what was behind that person. Maybe it was the hair that drew me to him or the idea that I could never really want someone like him. I don't know what it was but when he sent me a message a few months later I decided to answer. At first it started off as a joke, but then we started talking more and more. I should have stopped it then but I was always one to play with fire.

April
Message received… message answered. Doomed! Two weeks later over the phone he would profess his love to me and though I didn't feel the same I would respond out of habit. He told me I was beautiful, how I was his destiny. How good his life was now that he had me, and how special he felt knowing I loved him. How could I tell him that I just said it out of habit but that I didn't feel it? Next, we talked about meeting… I was seduced by the idea of going to where I had always dreamed of going. A trip to England where all I had to worry about was the payment for the flight. Had I known what it really would have been I would have just as well stayed at home with my work.

July
The red flags and warning bells started going off but I already had my ticket. I needed to just wait it out or waste almost a thousand dollars. In my stupidity I stuck with it. I told myself "After you go just call it quits". So I just sat back and went with the flow of things.

August
Too much was to be done to prepare for my trip. I didn't have time to worry about what he was doing. I was worried, yes, but a girl does what a girl has to do. I went about my business pretending to myself that what I felt was really love. In reality it was just another challenge and lord knows at that point I was up for a challenge. I was sick of the dating world so the idea of having one person who I could talk to and not have to really worry about them being close to me was more seducing then the person. Finally at the end of August it was time to go. I was very reluctant, scared, worried… all the emotions built up into this ball. It had been sixteen months since I let anyone physically close to me; I had no idea what would happen. I had hoped he would be kind and ease me into it but I learned it wouldn't be quite like that. I thought that maybe it was just me being scared and trying to distance myself but I should have went with my gut instinct.

The Trip
When I finally arrived getting through customs had been hell but finally I made it through. The second I got there I thought; "What the hell are you doing?" But by then it was too late to turn back so like I always did I just went through the motions. It was the most excruciating, and humiliating experience. He wasn't kind, he wasn't caring, he knew I was afraid but there was no time. He wanted what he wanted and in my life I learned it is easier to just get it over with. There was not an ounce of passion, or love in that moment. I felt like a whore. It was just… two people falling into bed and the whole time all I could think about was getting it over with so after a few moments I just went to sleep.
The whole two weeks we were only together two times. I couldn't stand the idea of having to be with him. I felt the need to because I needed to know he wanted me. That would have made it easier but he was so reserved and everything had to be done in his time. It was horrible and left me feeling self-conscious and wanting to climb into a hole. The rest of the time wasn't that much better, him sitting on his computer, me trying not to die of boredom while being locked inside his house. How I longed to get out of there and to do something but he didn't want to go. Now I know the reasons but back then I thought he just wanted to spend time with me. I later learned it was because he had been embarrassed of me and he was also seeing another gal in his town who believed he was off visiting his mother so to see him with me would have given away his lies.
I do have to admit that while I was there I did sink into that comfort stage, where it seemed normal to be treated the way I was and I found myself getting used to it. I began to think; "this isn't so bad" and longing for more of it. So one day I asked him what the next step was, I had never been in a real long distance relationship before. He told me we would have to talk about who would move where. One of his many lies he told me though I can't hold it against him. I told my own lies also.
While I was there a horrible thing had happened to me by someone on the net and instead of being there for me he told me to just let it go. At that point no one could have known the damage that one event would have caused me but at this point I don't think he really cared.

Finally it was over and I could go home. I was sad at first but once I got on that plane I couldn't wait to be home. Back in my bed, and amongst my friends again. Why did I write that email when I got home? I told him I had a good time but it was one of my lies. What good would it have done to tell him that while I loved the area, and I cared for him I hated the way it had turned out.

September - After the trip
He became more distant then he once was after I returned home. That only helped to fuel the flame of a good challenge and while I cared I don't know why I put myself through that. I was sinking more and more into depression and looking for something to hold on to. I had thought he cared so I looked towards him. He just pushed me away even more though. I knew it was doomed but once again he managed to convince me that it was all in my head and that he cared so I continued on the path.

Now I have to stop a moment to recap on the events. At this point I cared about him but looking back I can't say it was love. It was what I convinced myself love was and to me love always kept me wanting. I knew he wasn't faithful to me though he claimed otherwise but I told myself it really didn't matter. I was probably making things up in my head anyway and he fed those beliefs. The whole time he was whoring around and looking to replace me. After awhile I bought the lies more and more and somewhere in my head I wanted it to work, he knew pain as I knew pain and I thought we could help one another. Now back to the story.

November passed without any memorable instances… December came along and he was gone even more. Christmas came without a card or a call and January came. Though we still talked it wasn't as it always had been. It was on his terms and his only. I had no say in anything anymore and coming from abusive relationships in my past I settled into it as if it was no big deal. I sent him his gifts and went about my business. For my birthday I received a little computer game and I convinced myself once again that he cared and that he loved me. So I kept going though by this time I was so out of sorts nothing really mattered anymore anyway.

February
Like an idiot I bought his excuses and believed the reason all I got was a card was because he had been broke. I however wanting to impress him went out and spent three hundred dollars on his Valentine's Day gifts. By the point I was in love with him… or more I was in love with the image of who he was that he painted for me. Meanwhile he was still looking for my replacement though he swore otherwise. We once again talked about me going back for his birthday and so I started saving up again.

March
Full-fledged anorexic tendencies hit me by this time. I was a mess though I didn't want to admit it. It had been months since I had eaten more then a meal every three of four days. My brain was messed up, I had myself convinced it was because I was ugly that he was acting the way he was. He was distancing himself even more and I was helpless to stop. The only emotion I could feel by now was pain and not just any pain. The kind that eats you up inside, the kind makes you hallow and cold. I didn't want to blame him so I placed it all on myself and looked towards my shortcomings. Finally at the end of the month I was forced to go to the hospital. I was knocking on deaths door and still he didn't care. He berated me and told me I was smart enough to kick this. Somehow with the mistaken belief, this sickness had anything to do with my intelligence. Next he told me that it would make me look older quicker if I continued. Like I cared… at this point I just wanted all the pain to end, I wanted to be numb to him, to my stupidity for ever believing in him. I wanted to just vanish.

April
Things only got worse, I was still stick, and he was still playing around… I knew he was but I still refused to call him on it. What was the use of doing it? He would only deny it and tell me how he loved me. I couldn't bear to go through it again. I wanted to vanish even more then before. I was being forced to eat, I was depressed still, and I wanted it all to be over. One night I took a pin and for the first time in years I cut myself just too see if I would still bleed. I needed some sign that I was still alive. I still have the scars upon my arms. Constant reminders of my lowest point, I tried once again to talk to him but he wouldn't listen. I tried to talk to him about me going there all he would say is his boss was out sick and he couldn't give me an answer yet. But he still continued to profess his love to me and tell me how he wanted to see me.

May
Still… No word from him in regards to me traveling to see him for his Birthday. At this point I knew I would never see him again but it wasn't going to be me who ended it. I decided I had to do what I needed to make him end it with me yet he still swore he loved me. I told him I had to end it and he asked me not to. Claiming it was just that he was a guarded person and to give him time. Why he kept leading me on is beyond me. Telling me he didn't want me would have been kinder then what he had already put me through.

June
It was do or die time. I had to force his hand. I couldn't wait any longer. I felt like a fool, I couldn't continue this way so I secured my vacation and went ahead and got my ticket. I knew full well this would be the end of things and though I was sad I couldn't stand being treated like an invisible china doll anymore. When I told him he was upset though he didn't break it off with me. I said I was sorry, that I found the ticket for a cheaper rate and had to act on it. We made a silent but what seemed a mutual pact to not talk about it anymore. And though I don't know why we continued to go on. At this point the I Love You's from him became fewer and far between. Where he would have said them before, silence just hung in the air.

July
He told me he had to go to London for job training. I knew it was another lie. He needed to get away from me but still wouldn't fess up to it. He just became more and more distant and still I didn't know why. By Mid July he called a break, said I trusted him too much and we needed time to think. After a week of coldness I called him and told him to love me or let me go. He told me he loved me and once again like a fool I bought it. That would be the last time I heard those words. The end of July I was in a car accident, no call, no email asking me if I was ok. I knew for sure at that moment that it was over. He didn't care one bit if I lived or died. I was nothing to him.

August
I continued minimal contact with him as friends, we were winding down the relationship and I got the shock of my life. I would receive some news and even though it didn't shock me the bitter cold stab of betrayal was all too evident. I came to find the true nature of the person I believed that I had loved. He was nothing like he painted himself to be, he was a cold and calculating person who told nothing but lies the whole time we had been together. I would find out the truth about the girl he had been talking to while I was visiting him. How he met her a few days after I left and got into a heated session with her. How he would later distance himself from her after that moment. I would learn of his kinks and fetishes. All things that would not have been considered a betrayal had he just trusted me enough to tell me. (To this day I still have only told a few people close to me about what really happened and though I owe him nothing it is one secret will still keep. Though he has been nothing but a torment to my very soul I don't wish him to be destroyed as I almost was.) I learned of the girls he had been in contact with while he was lying to me about loving me. While he was convincing me of his feeling as his fidelity while I was begging for him to either acknowledge me or let me go. And worst of all… I learned about his want for something else. So there I sat upon my pedestal of shame, the pillar of virtue and innocence. Not knowing how to respond or what to do. I drafted an email ending the sick and twisted events I had been caught up in. Ending the torment I had been allowing myself to be put through. The response to the email had been baffling; instead of admitting the truth with all the evidence laid out in front of him he blamed me for believing someone else. He tried to convince me that it was me wanting to find a reason to dislike him. I tried once more for the truth and was given none. Still to this day the only truth I have received was that I was given by others. The only reason I know these to be true are they came from him. His own words telling of his feelings. Never did he care for me, it was all just a sick and twisted charade, sixteen months… he never wanted more then the visit I had with him yet he kept throwing me a bone leading me back. He had to have what everyone else had wanted. He tried to destroy everything that was good in me. Maybe it made him feel good to destroy another human being, maybe he didn't know any better. But it all boiled down to the fact that I was nothing and that he never really knew me.

For a time I wrestled with the idea of still going on my trip. I had the money to make it on my own; people said they would help me out. But I was scared. I didn't want to see the lying bastard. In the end I needed to be able to hold my head high so I went. And a year later, with my pride intact, my spirit back, and my life in order, knowing and trusting him are my only regrets.

If you were to ask me today did I ever love him, I would have to tell you that I loved someone but it wasn't him. It was the picture that he painted for me, it was the lies that he told so in essence it was him… but not the real him, the one he hid from me. The only thing that got me past that moment in time was the knowledge that while it was over I hadn't loved in vain. The person I loved, the false image was a real person, walking around in flesh and blood that I would one day find.

Don't tell me it's over
Let me have that pleasure
It wasn't me that you loved
It was the prize that you treasured.